This past weekend, SHA students attended the “Monogamish: Advanced Skills for Open and Poly Relationships” with some fabulous speakers. We heard from Dr. David Ley, Michelle Hy, Jenn Rahner, Sander Jones, Kelvin Pace, and Dr. Eli Sheff. This weekend was meant to educate those working with clients who are or are looking to pursue open relationships, polyamorous relationships, threesomes, swinging, and more.
Throughout the two-day event, we explored the many various aspects of consensual non-monogamy with like-minded individuals. Key themes included the challenges and benefits of non-monogamous relationships, the importance of communication, consent, and ethical behavior, and the impact of these relationships on personal growth and satisfaction. Our speakers also addressed the societal perceptions and misconceptions of non-monogamy, emphasizing the need for greater understanding and acceptance.
31 Flavors of Monogamy with Dr. David Ley
We started off the weekend with Dr. David Ley, who is a world-renowned clinical psychologist known for bringing scientifically accurate and clinically sound information to discussions about modern sexuality. He serves on the board of the Sexual Health Alliance as an expert advisor and is an internationally recognized expert on issues related to sexuality, pornography, and mental health.
During this session, Dr. Ley discussed the idea of monogamy and how society is becoming more open to consensual non-monogamy (CNM). It's interesting to see how CNM can bring benefits like variety in relationships, personal growth, and fulfilling different needs. Did you know that in the past, non-monogamous relationships were mostly driven by men? But nowadays, we're seeing more interest from women, especially thanks to movements in the LGBTQ+ community promoting more flexible relationship dynamics. This raises some important questions about the challenges and perceptions surrounding monogamy. Are traditional relationship norms really the best for everyone, or are they just something we feel pressured to conform to?
As we dove into the world of individuals who practice consensual non-monogamy (CNM), we come across some interesting traits that seem to be common among them, such as a love for thrill-seeking experiences, excellent communication skills, and a strong libido. We also touched upon the impact of testosterone levels on relationship satisfaction and commitment, suggesting that higher levels of testosterone could potentially lead to lower levels of commitment in a relationship.
Moreover, the session brought up the important issue of ethics in non-monogamous relationships, highlighting the importance of honesty and transparency to avoid the negative consequences often associated with extramarital affairs. It emphasizes that it's not necessarily the act of being with someone else that causes harm, but rather the secrecy and deception involved. It’s important to keep these things in mind as we navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships.
It was cool to learn that many individuals in non-monogamous relationships actually report feeling more sexually satisfied than those in monogamous ones. We also chatted about sociosexuality and how being open to sex outside of a committed relationship can actually lead to greater relationship satisfaction in non-monogamous setups. We also covered the complexities of navigating non-monogamy, like the different types of swinging and how personal motivations play a role in sexual satisfaction within these types of relationships.
Polyamory: Moving Beyond Compulsory Monogamy with Michelle Hy
Next up was Michelle Hy, founder of Polyamorous While Asian. She has been practicing non-monogamy since 2012 and is cultivating a space on her little corner of the internet that helps people question mononormativity, destigmatizes polyamory, and helps make it more accessible and viable — especially for BIPOC and other largely underrepresented groups in non-monogamy communities. Throughout her presentation, we discussed the idea of “Relationship Anarchy”, and how to move past the assumption that monogamy should be the default and dominant relationship model.
It's interesting how our society really pushes for monogamous relationships to be the norm, right? I mean, think about it - from legal marriages to tax benefits to what we see in movies and TV shows, it's everywhere! But Michelle’s focus was on educating us on how to move past these ideals.
Have you ever heard of the "relationship escalator"? It's this idea that relationships should follow a specific path, with milestones like getting married and having kids being seen as signs of commitment. But some scholars, like Elizabeth Brake and Adrienne Rich, have some pretty cool critiques of this idea. They argue that this focus on traditional relationships can leave out those who live alternative lifestyles. It's like society sees heterosexuality and monogamy as the only way to go, when really there are so many other ways to love and be committed to someone.
During the presentation, we also discussed relationship anarchy, which pushes back against the idea that love is finite and questions the societal norms that dictate how relationships should be defined and validated. It encourages us to approach relationships with purpose and to create commitments that are true to ourselves, rather than conforming to traditional expectations. This perspective resonates with larger discussions around politics and society, recognizing that relationships are inherently connected to issues of power, identity, and social justice. Intersectionality reminds us that discrimination and privilege intersect in complex ways, influencing how we navigate and understand relationships. It underscores the importance of questioning and analyzing societal norms around relationships and personal choices.
What Do Garden Parties and Kitchen Tables Have To Do With My Relationship? A Short Course on Relating with Metamours and Polycules with Jennifer Rahner
One of my favorite sessions of the day was presented by SHA’s very own Jennifer Rahner, who is a Certified Sexologist and SHA Certified Sexuality Educator who is changing how we talk about sex one conversation at a time. She holds space for brave conversations and teaches with authenticity and vulnerability, unafraid to expose herself completely. She is personally and proudly out as queer, poly, and kinky.
Jenn went through many important definitions of the poly community, which was exciting to learn how much terminology is out there! Some of the definitions she shared include:
Polyamory: The practice of participating simultaneously in more than one serious romantic or sexual relationship with the knowledge and consent of all partners
Hierarchical vs. Non-Hierarchical Poly
Hierarchical refers to relationships in which certain partnerships are prioritized above others and/or given additional powers in rule-setting, with the anchor or nesting partner typically being called primary and other partners secondary
Non-Hierarchical refers to relationships which strive for equal autonomy and standing of relationships rather than prioritizing one over another. These are not immune from “ inherent hierarchy,” such as shared responsibilities with a partner with whom one shares children or a home, or who one has been with a much longer time, but they ascribe to an ideal of involving all network members in discussions of rule changes that will impact them and limiting prioritization when possible.
Anchor vs. Nesting Partner
Anchor: A partner who one regards as a central figure in one’s life, a stable “rock” or “anchor” to lean on. Often used in non-hierarchical relationships for someone’s equivalent(s) of a primary partner in a hierarchical setting.
Nesting Partner: A partner with whom one shares a home.
Metamour: A romantic partner’s partner
Telemour: A metamour’s other partner
Comet: Also called tertiary, this is a relationship where the partners only meet in person rarely but are happy to pick up those connections at those times and be less intensely in touch in between, like a comet passing close enough for the Earth to see every few years
Polycule: a network of interconnected relationships. Combining “poly” and “molecule”, because of the varied possible configurations and how they can resemble charts of the chemical structures of molecules.
Polycule can be used to describe your extended, connected network of partners, metamours, and telemours no matter what metamour arrangement you have.
In the world of polyamory, there are different types of relationships between metamours that exist. From parallel polyamory, where partners choose not to meet, to kitchen table polyamory (KTP), which focuses on close connections among everyone involved. There are also other variations like garden party and lap sitting polyamory, which offer different levels of interaction and closeness between partners and their metamours. It's essential to have effective communication and empathy to maintain these intricate networks. Simple tips like giving a warm welcome, taking responsibility for your actions, and thoughtful responses to others highlight the importance of respect and understanding in any relationship.
Cultivating Connection through Mutually Respectful Communication Skills with Sander T. Jones
Our second to last presentation of the day was given by Sander T. Jones, a social worker, educator, and author in Atlanta, GA. Their passion is guiding others through the transformative, healing journeys that lead to embracing our most authentic and vibrant selves and also creating the most secure, deeply connected relationships possible. Sander’s presentation was based on his book, Cultivating Connection. I was excited to hear from them, and enjoyed the information Sander shared. Here are my key takeaways:
We humans are naturally social creatures, and our brains have evolved to prioritize relationships as a key component of our mental and emotional wellness. Being part of a group helps us to understand our place in the world, striking a balance between relying on others and standing on our own two feet. Healthy relationships are all about mutual care, respect, and communication, paving the way for personal growth and development. Love is also a complex part of human relationships, going beyond just a feeling to involve actively nurturing ourselves and those around us. It's about promoting growth and well-being, rather than causing harm. So, let's embrace the power of connections and love in our lives, and strive for healthy and fulfilling relationships that support us on our journey.
Dealing with conflicts in relationships can often bring up important issues about boundaries and individual needs. It's crucial to communicate openly and honestly, show empathy towards each other, and be willing to address the root of the problem instead of just the surface issues. When managing conflicts, it's helpful to recognize when you feel like fighting, fleeing, or freezing, and take a step back to calm down before having a structured conversation, like the Imago Exercise, to make sure both people feel heard and understood. The key in relationships is to create a safe space where everyone's rights are respected and power dynamics are discussed openly, leading to healthy and ethical relationships where manipulation and coercion are not tolerated, and everyone's autonomy and dignity are valued.
Upside Down Pineapples: A Look into Swinging with Kelvin Pace
Our final presenter on Saturday was Kelvin Pace, owner of KpaceCounseling, LLC where he serves clients in private practice. He does contract work with Full Spectrum Health as a behavioral health clinician where he works with an integrated care team delivering evidenced based care to persons of the LGBTQ+ community. Kelvin’s current focus is on mindfulness based interventions to manage sexual concerns and he works with persons that are either in or looking to explore non-traditional relationship orientations that fall under the umbrella of consensual/ethical non-monogamy.
Kelvin opened our eyes to the world of swinging, which is a form of consensual non-monogamy that has been practiced throughout history, and gained formal recognition around the time of World War II. Swingers are often misunderstood and unfairly judged, but they're just like anyone else in non-traditional relationships. In fact, swinging and polyamory tend to be seen in a more positive light than open relationships. Swinging can involve things like wife swapping and play parties, and there are even specific terms like "unicorn" and "hot wife" that are part of the swinging culture. People who make the switch from monogamy to swinging often find themselves experiencing high levels of satisfaction in both their relationships and sex lives, on par with those who aren't swingers.
Swinging is all about having open and honest conversations and setting clear boundaries to make sure everyone is on the same page and having a good time. As therapists, it's important to learn about the unique language and traditions of the swinging community, as well as address any personal biases we may have. We can help our clients figure out what rules and boundaries work best for them, and connect them to local resources and events that promote safe and respectful swinging. By understanding and respecting the swinging lifestyle, we can help reduce judgment and create more positive experiences for everyone involved.
Polyamorous Families with Children
On Sunday, we were lucky enough to have Dr. Eli Sheff share her day with us to discuss two very important topics. Dr. Sheff is the foremost academic expert on polyamorous families with children. With a PhD in Sociology, Dr. Sheff specializes in gender and sexual minority families, consensual non-monogamy, and kink/BDSM.
Research shows that polyamorous families face similar challenges to all families, rather than having unique disadvantages. Children in polyamorous families tend to flourish, appreciating the strong family bonds and additional support network. The process of forming a polyfamily often involves integrating new adults into an existing family unit, similar to blended families. It requires significant communication and negotiation to define roles and responsibilities, particularly in terms of legal and social parentage. These families have the flexibility to create different family configurations, including adopting children and intentionally planning their family structure in a way that challenges traditional monogamous norms, promoting a more accepting and inclusive environment.
Polyamorous parenting practices are all about working together and giving kids room to grow and make their own choices. It's a more laid-back approach that encourages children to think for themselves, unlike some stricter ways of parenting. This style not only helps kids develop in a healthy way, but also allows adults to have their own space and freedom.
Being part of a polyfamily isn't always easy, though. There can be judgment from others and navigating the legal and social systems can be tricky, especially during tough times like a breakup or loss. But polyamorous families are resilient. They stick together through good communication, deep emotional bonds, and a wide support system that helps them handle challenges and keep growing personally and in their relationships.
Communication, Creativity & Consent: Intersections of CNM and BDSM
BDSM is a fascinating world that includes a wide range of practices such as bondage, dominance, submission, and more. It's all about consensual power dynamics and intense play that often involves roleplay and fetishes. Trust and communication are key among participants. There's no one-size-fits-all definition in the BDSM community, as practices can vary greatly from person to person and region to region. Research, like the "Privilege of Perversities" article, shows that those involved in BDSM are usually well-educated and come from middle or upper-middle class backgrounds. They tend to hold progressive and liberal values, but come from a variety of religious backgrounds.
BDSM and consensual non-monogamy (CNM) have a lot in common when it comes to breaking away from traditional relationship norms and creating unique dynamics. Both communities prioritize consent, communication, and negotiation, focusing on making choices rather than feeling obligated. However, BDSM does face some challenges such as stigma, legal concerns, and risks like STI transmission and potential for abuse if consent is not properly respected. It's crucial to handle consent carefully to differentiate between BDSM and abuse, with clear rules and boundaries that all parties agree to. If boundaries are crossed, the community promotes responsible actions and accountability, with reporting mechanisms in place to resolve issues. Ongoing communication and community support are key in addressing and resolving any challenges that may arise.
In BDSM, when boundaries are crossed, there is a well-defined process in place to address the situation in a respectful and understanding manner. This process involves recognizing the violation, taking time to reflect on what happened, and communicating openly to find a resolution and rebuild trust. It's important to take ownership of any mistakes, offer sincere apologies, and actively work towards making things right. By following these steps, we can ensure that relationships and the community as a whole remain strong and safe for everyone involved. It's also crucial to focus on rebuilding trust and promoting open communication after a violation occurs, with an emphasis on providing support to both the person who was hurt and the person who caused the harm.
Overall, the weekend served as an in-depth resource on the intricacies of CNM, providing insights into the various forms, practices, and implications of these alternative relationship models. If you are interested in learning more, SHA offers a program led by Dr. Eli Sheff - the Certified Consensual Non-Monogamy Certificate Program. You can also follow any of the brilliant speakers who spent their time with us!
Written by Kihya McComb
Curious about which SHA specialty certification can catapult your career to new heights? Take our 'Level up your Expertise' quiz now and map out your path to becoming an industry leader. Click here to begin!